Changes

(Picture taken February 2010)

Although I took this picture some time ago I decide that it was fitting for this post. 2010 is coming to a close and last night I learned something about myself. First of all, I am one of the most flexible people that I know. I'm not trying to pat myself of the back or anything but I have been through enough in my 32 years on Earth to know that being flexible is important. I am changing more and more everyday. I don't want to fight with Jermey's ex-wife, I don't want to run when we are faced with challenging situations, I want to get and stay out of debt, I want to work hard to provide for my family, I want to do what's right for my kids, I want to be a better everything to everyone including myself and I want a closer relationship with God.

How I know that I am changing? My home has become a priority. I used to not care that it was a little messy but it has gotten to the place where it bothers me now if it is. It gets tough at time with energy levels and 6 kids in one house and when we move out of here and in with the inlaws to save to buy our own house, it makes me want to work even harder to acheive that. I also have to desire to have a strong family not just with our children but with our extended family as well. This is not something I have always wanted but it has become increasingly important to me. I have the real desire to stop smoking. I am sick of it. It stinks, it's gross and what am I showing my children? The biggest way that I know I am changing has happened in the past few days. I allowed someone into my life that I had no desire to even be around and it wasn't that bad. The other thing is that on New Year's Eve I have no desire at all to go out, to take even a drink of alcohol and what sounded like a good time to me a year ago sounds plain stupid.

Much like the tree, I have had to go through some pretty rough winters in order to get to this point. Does my life reflect greatness or being perfect, absolutely not but it is getting there. I feel like my tree is in the bud stage where it is just starting to show signs of life again and I am grateful for that. I know the road won't be smooth but with the love of God, my husband and my children, I feel like we can make it through. I can't say I am never going to complain or have bad days but I can now say to myself that there is sun on the other side of it.

I have a desire in my heart to work for myself and do what I love and the word tells us that God instills gifts and desires in us for a purpose. My children are excited that I have a goal to one day have my own bakery where we can all work as a family. It will take hard work on the part of all of us but it can be done. I am ready for 2011

Hanging Out With My Sister In Law

Today is very different from any day at my house. My sister in law is here today. It's something I thought would never happen because.....she and JT's ex-wife are good friends. I am taking a huge risk by allowing her into my personal space other than family functions. I am taking the chance that she will go back and tell the ex-wife who knows what but she is my sister in law and if I ever want our family to function properly then it is going to be a must. To make matters even more of a challenge, we will all soon be living together as she moved back in with my inlaws and we will be moving there starting the first part of February. She is funny and silly and she loves my two non DNA sons so much. I know it has to be difficult for her because she grew up with the ex-wife, same neighborhood, same friends, etc. She has said some things that are uncomfortable but it is what it is. We will see how it goes

Thanks For Hurting My Feelings.....

I've been working at a daycare here in town since right after Thanksgiving. It started out on an as needed basis but then I got offered the bus driver position and then on Christmas Eve I saw the assistant director at Wal-Mart who was telling me that in 2 weeks I could have a perm position. I am scheduled tomorrow to go get my fingerprints done but got a phone call today that hurt my feelings. They called and told me that they got my wage garnishment notice from the OAG, which I told them I knew about. They then told me that they weren't sure that I would be good supervising children since mine didn't live with me full-time. Um, who are you to judge me and you don't know whta the whole story is and you thought I did a good enough job before now. Then she proceeded to tell me my entire check would be going to the OAG. Um, hello, why do you think I needed a job? I sat in the bathroom on the phone with JT crying because it upset me so badly. I've been in debate anyway and this just set me over the edge. I know it costs for me to drive everywhere but here but oh well. I am going back into sales. That's what I know, what I'm good at and what I am going to do period.

2011

2010 is almost over and other than getting married, I am grateful it is almost over. I am so ready to start 2011. 2011 is going to be a year of change for us, which I am glad about, We are moving back to my inlaws in order to save money and buy a house outright and then will come all the remodeling. We are going to buy a mobile home and have it moved onto their property, at least that is the plan for right now. I got a more perm position with the daycare, still part-time but not on an as needed basis anymore but on a we always need you basis. I am going to be starting with a direct sales company in January which I am going to work my ass off so I can help with household expenses but also so I can save money to buy my own bakery or at least commercial kitchen so i can bake. I have huge plans for myself and for my family and I know that it is up to me to work hard to make it happen.

I am Proud of Myself

I must say that I am proud of myself. I have managed to make 98% of the peices for the 3 cakes I am making. I have all my batters and doughs prepared so that tomorrow it's an assembly line verses a crazy mess of me working on one thing at a time. I am excited about Christmas this year. The funny thing is I have not one single gift under the tree but the kids do and JT does but I am more excited about them having a nice Christmas and those who get to eat the lovely things that I have made. I am going to see one side of my family that I haven't seen in years. I am proud of myself. Let's see if that is still the case tomorrow

My Sounding Board

I don't really have a lot of friends that I consider close and between me moving away from DFW and my bff moving to VA, I don't currently have anyone. I am so frustrated right now I want to scream or cry or I just don't really know what the hell I want to do. I am grateful for all that God has given me. I want to put that out there first but I am in a great debate and not sure what to do here. I have a certain bill every month called child support. I have a part-time job, 20 hours a week but only during the time school is in and making minimum wage. I am grateful for my job because it's a job and it's in town but I worry about money all the time. No, it's not enough to pay this bill which means it's also not enough to help my husband support our family. We have made the decision to move back to his parent's house again in order to save money to put a house on their place or at least save enough money to be able to buy a house aka trailer house outright and move it on to land which will make our bills less, way less than we pay now. That situation is going to be stressful enough as is but it's to make things better for our family which I am totally on board with. My husband works so hard, he even goes to work sick, he puts up with a lot of bull at his job, he allows me to drive the better, newer vehicle, he sacrafices a lot for us. He is sick of talking about all of this but he doesn't really understand that I am frustrated with feeling like I am not able to help him. I love him so much and it hurts me to know that he does so much and I can't help him.

I am at a crossroads really. See, there is something in me that says I don't need to do a thing, another part of me screaming get a job in the mornings until it goes full-time, a part of me saying that in the summer I should apply with the school district, a part of me saying that God is about to kick the door open for this cake thing and a part of me saying drive your butt to Dallas everyday and go back to sales. I know some of this is lack of faith and maybe the devil using the places he knows I am weak at to try and cause issues but whatever it is, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it besides this blog.